“Remember when calendars mattered?”
With the official start of Summer kicking off this week, my son reminded us that calendars and any sense of a “normal” life for him has ceased to exist. The days blend into nights and we, like others, have found our child living in a more virtual world than we ever would have imagined - like having virtual play dates in lieu of sleepovers. So when our son realized that he forgot what day of the week we were on (which was typical of summers past), it reminded us that this summer will be vastly different. He will not have indoor play dates or sleepovers with friends.
For many families, COVID-19 has forced them into a world that is unknown, scary, and, at times, lonely; a world in which they have to navigate completely different life experiences like distanced-learning, social distancing, and canceled summer and travel plans. And while some families have found ways to manage their new reality, many are still trying to find an answer to this tough question: “Why can’t I have indoor play dates with my friends if my friends are having them?”
The answer can seem complicated, but, don’t worry, I provide a few tips later in this post to incorporate into your conversation with your children. First, let me give you some context for this post.
My son’s friend recently told him on the phone, “Your Mom is just being crazy about this virus” in response to my son telling him he can’t come over for a play date. While my son proudly defended his Mama and explained that cases of the virus were still increasing, it was a stark reminder for me that it is important for parents to have a conversation with their children that this summer might look very different for them.
So, how did I respond?
I was mindful to remind him that every family has the right to make their own decisions and we are to be respectful, not judgmental, about said decisions. The key words being not judgmental.
For the record, I am not crazy.
I listened to him, validated his concerns and feelings, and then tried to be honest about our family’s choices.
Our decision to socially distance from our friends and family is based on both science and data that informs us on the status of the virus, how easily the virus spreads, and what we can do to keep ourselves and others safe. Right now our country is still seeing a steady increase in COVID-19 cases, and our job is to ensure we make socially responsible decisions. That means we will stay home as much as possible, order groceries online, and stay at least 6 feet apart during our rare but socially distanced visits with our neighbors and family. And while I am concerned about the public health crisis we face, my worry and our decisions are not irrational. And if you are practicing similar measures, neither are yours.
So how can you talk to your children about why they can’t do what others are doing?
Well, if all your friend’s jumped off a bridge, would you?
Ok, ok, old saying aside, the message remains the same. Just because other families are engaging in pre-Covid activities (e.g., indoor play dates, sports, family gatherings), doesn’t mean your family has to (nor does it mean you owe anyone an explanation for your decisions!). If your child is feeling curious, upset, frustrated, or sad because you are choosing to socially isolate at home, here are some tips for a successful conversation:
Listen to them and validate their feelings.
Children will express several emotions during this pandemic and it is critical to acknowledge every single one - even the feelings that can at times manifest as anger or acting out. Younger children will be less able to comprehend the complexity of the matter, so if you are trying to find ways to keep your toddler away from certain activities (e.g., playgrounds), you can try and replace them with something that you are more comfortable with (e.g., backyard explorations, fort building). The most important factor is that your children feel that they are listened to and that they have a voice. For older children, giving them an opportunity to express how your decisions impact them will go a long way. Sometimes just giving them the space, time, and attention to talk through their feelings will be enough.
Keep the focus on what you ARE doing.
It is helpful for children to focus on concrete examples of what they can do, rather than what you might be keeping them from.
Forbidden fruit, anyone?
All joking aside, talk about what you are doing. Perhaps you bought something you wouldn’t have otherwise, like an above-ground pool or a trampoline? Or maybe you’ve taken out your old bike and will explore your neighborhood or city in a new way with your children? Focus on what your child and family can do to provide some relief to the otherwise heavy feeling of not being able to have indoor play dates. If it helps you, write a list of all of the things you can do while staying at home (e.g., puzzles, games, movie-nights, new traditions, etc.). For older children, having virtual play dates can be a perfect way for children to socialize with their friends and get plenty of play time in!
Choose your words wisely.
Children mimic parents’ words and actions, so be mindful of how you explain your family’s decisions. Try and keep it simple. For example, “It sounds like you feel frustrated that you can’t play with your friends. Right now we are staying home to keep our family and other families safe. Your friend’s family gets to choose what is right for them. We can go on a bike ride instead or watch a movie.” In this example, you are validating their feelings, stating their concern, reminding them what you are doing, and then finishing with something concrete that they can focus on. The goal with this tip is to remain objective and help your child learn to respect others’ ability to make their own decisions, even if we don’t always agree with them. This goes for adults, too.
Show them love, kindness, and patience.
We can all use some TLC. The coronavirus will not last forever, and one day we will be able to look back and reflect on the time we had to stay home and find creative ways to connect with friends. The best advice I can give is to try and find ways to make each day manageable - not every day will be full of rainbows and nonstop fun, some will feel heavier than others, but the bottom line is that we can each try and provide love and support to our children as we navigate a global pandemic. Humans are social beings after all, so keeping ourselves isolated from others can at times be quite painful, especially for children. It will take time for our children to understand the gravity of the situation and why they can’t have play dates, but with plenty of love, kindness, and patience, they will know that you are making the hard decisions to keep them and others safe.
I recognize that we have many privileges that so many others in our country, let alone our city, do not. We own a single-family home, have the ability to work remotely, and have stable financial resources, so this article in no way addresses the challenges that many families currently face that can prevent them from being able to simply stay at home. Some families have parents that work in a profession where they are unable to work from home; some have lost their jobs and are scrambling to pay their bills; some are required to go back to work but lack affordable child care; some may only have a single caregiver balancing the workload of a working parent; some live in a neighborhood with a lack of resources; and finally, some have experienced illness or the loss of a loved one.
While we may not all have the opportunity to stay at home 100% of the time, we can focus on what we can do: listen to our children, validate their concerns, and show them love and compassion during a time of great need.
One day this virus will end. One day.